Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Herein Lies My Problem

There are so many times in a given week that I think of a topic to address on this blog and then never actually do it. I'm always away from a computer when I think of these topics too, which is quite the accomplishment given that I am very rarely ever more than 100 feet away from a computer, and I will think, "Damn, that's a good topic to write about. Remember that one and formulate an outline of what you want to write." Then..................nothing. I forget or the topic doesn't seem as interesting after a little bit of time or I don't feel that connection to the topic anymore. It tortures me to have this blog and not update it at least weekly. I am a person who does things 100% or I don't do them at all.

There is also the inner struggle I feel that I really don't think anyone gives a shit what I have to say (and no, I don't need anyone to tell me they care...I don't seek validation at all). On the other blog that I update constantly, I always refer to the phenomenon of how sports writers think because the readers care about the sports-related topic they write, then the readers care about the writer as a person too. This leads to a lot of personal stories that populate the writing that is usually about sports. I notice this a lot and I don't want to be one of those people. Not that anyone cares what I write there, but I separated the two blogs for a reason. I wrote something really personal over on the site a long time ago (and reprinted it here) and I really enjoyed writing it, but it felt really out of place. So I don't want to turn into a navel-gazing asshole who posts "Look at all my deep thoughts" on his blog. So therefore a lot of stuff goes unwritten on this blog. For example, my daughter almost choked to death on Chik-Fil-A one night when I was alone with her back in November. It was fucking traumatic to where I talk about it all the time, which is my way of dealing with it. I have thoughts on this and it's a pretty interesting story...to me. I didn't appreciate how it was handled by the nurse on-call at her doctor office. She acted like my daughter was coughing a bit when in reality I had to turn her over and slap her on the back to remove the food from her throat. To everyone else this is interesting, maybe, maybe not. I just don't want to be one of those people who just assumes everything that happens to me is interesting, but then I do have this blog, so obviously I care to mention these things that happen. I just never do.

Some of my stories are fun, some things I haven't sorted out at all to where I can write about them here. So between the things I find interesting that I don't know if others do because I don't want to be that guy who assumes because people read my other blog they care to read this one (but then, that was the purpose of the separate blog, those who want to read personal shit can visit), between the topics that just feel like too much navel-gazing, the topics that I haven't sorted out yet to where I can write about them, and the things I forget to write, there is a lot that goes unwritten here. Throw in a lot of my time I spend on the other blog I write and I feel like a failure. Which sucks since all of this writing is completely voluntary. I hold myself to a weird standard to churn out material as much as possible.

So in summary, I feel like a failure because I don't update the blog I am not totally sure people care to read even though I started this blog on a separate site from my other blog specifically so those who do care to read my more personal stories and thoughts can do so. Also, I don't want anyone to think I think others care about what I write simply because they may read what I write on another site. I am not dominated by self-doubt, so no worries. I have a tough time being open and sharing my thoughts. So my goal is to just write. Just fucking pick something to write about and write.

The first thing I want to write about is how this blog got it's name. It's more interesting than that very non-exciting tagline made it sound. Maybe I'll manage to write this post in the next four months.